This past week our apartment was struck by the plague. Miraculously, I managed to escape virtually unscathed, with only a day or so of runny nose to complain about. It must be something about my crap diet and complete lack of exercise that gives me such an impenetrable immune system. Although I was lucky to be spared, being the only well one in a house of death and disease leaves one with some rather unfortunate responsibilities - tending to the cholera victims.
Actually I don't know what it was that descended upon us with such savage delight, but my nursely duties left me with plenty of time to diagnose my patients with the aid of The Internet. The Internet is a wonderful thing. One of my favorite things is using it figure out all the incredibly rare diseases/conditions/disorders I might have. Feeling tired? It's probably multiple sclerosis. Have a headache? Definitely a brain tumor. Upset tummy? Crohn's disease. I could go on and on. Thanks to these amazing medical skillz I was able to tentatively identify symptoms of several fairly serious conditions, but finally came back to my original diagnosis of "nasty virus".
Amid all the neediness and insatiable whining/moaning on the ward, I did learn several things about the Spanish and their take on healthcare.
First of all, brace yourself, there are no over the counter drugs in Spain, at least not in the way we're used to. It is impossible to anonymously drag yourself into your local drug store and surreptitiously hide your anti-diarrhea medicine in amoungst your orange juice and chicken soup. No no no. Instead you must march into a special pharmacy (during normal Spanish business hours - i.e. hardly ever) and describe the symptoms in detail to a white-coated pharmacist, who, just to make you feel more embarassed, is always, always a very pretty and well made-up woman, who will then proceed to explain that you're not really that sick. The spaniards are very into allowing the body's natural healing processes to be in control.
Don't get me wrong. In principle, this is an amazingly refreshing perspective. We do overmedicate. And allowing the plebs to medicate themselves probably isn't really that smart, when I really think about it. However, listening to a pharmacist lecture you on the body's natural healing processes and refuse to sell you medicine is not really that reassuring when you just want something to MAKE IT STOP NOW nor that helpful when you have to return home to the black death with nothing in hand save a few tylenol and box of disgusting salty gatorade "rehydrating" juice. Principles go out the window when you have to go home and face the anthrax.
I've been to the pharmacy a few times now and I can't understand how they stay in business when they always refuse to sell you their wares. They must make up for it in toothbrushes or something.
Secondly, I have no idea how to go about getting to a doctor here. In a few absurdly melodramatic moments, I was ordered to "call an ambulance". This was ridiculous for many reasons. Where I come from, ambulances are reserved pretty much exclusively for actual life threatening emergencies. Or in my mind they are anyway. Also where I come from, ambulances are expensive. And they will charge you, whether you're the one who called them or not. So if you aren't in danger of dying in the next few minutes, you will manage to drag yourself into your car, into a bus, into a cab before you are reduced to calling an ambulance. Ambulances are good for when you're pinned under something heavy.
Rationally I knew that emergency healthcare is free here and so should have been able to make the logical leap that ambulances would also be provided courtesy of the government, but I was so trapped in my American corporate healthcare mindset that I didn't even realize it. And just think - the Spanish aren't out abusing their free ambulance service or anything. It seems as though emergency care could be provided for free without the risk of freeloaders using emergency vehicles as some kind of private taxi service.
Although I did manage to keep anyone from calling any ambulances, I did do some research about seeing a doctor in Spain, just to have the knowledge if it were ever actually necessary. From what I've seen of the Spanish approach to health, they probably wouldn't do anything anyway. But I found it interesting that one of the principle complaints about the socialized healthcare in Spain (and other european nations) is the long wait time in the emergency room. This is also one of the primary arguments used against universal healthcare in the US - the standard or care isn't as high, you will have to wait for hours, etc. I want to know what American hospitals these critics have been going to, must be fancy rich people credit-check-in-the-parking-lot hospitals. In my world, emergency room visits always involve long waits, even in our sacred free market. I don't see anyone's demand for shorter waits affecting anything back home either.
Politics aside, there are a few other observations I've made about health in this country in my time here.
Chocolate is considered health food. So are fish sticks and cheese. I don't mean that people talk about them as if they are health food, that I don't really know. But I do know they are marketed as healthfood. Did you know, for example, that the milk in chocolate has calcium? And protein? Or that the fish deep under that breading is good for you? And cheese, well it's practically made of milk. Those peta anti-milk campaigners would not get far in Spain. I know that in America we certainly market our fair share of unhealthy things as being healthy, but the Spanish have taken it to a truly absurd level. Plus, actually healthy products don't blare their healthiness at you, like you would see in American supermarkets. Bran flakes are just bran flakes, no special health benefit. But chocolate. Yes. Feed your kids tons of chocolate. It does a body good.
Europeans like to make fun of Americans for being fat. Yes, ha. Ha. Ha. I know, I live there. Oh yes, we invented fast food, packaged food, processed food, frozen food, whatever disgrace it is you want to throw in my face today. But the fact of the matter is that Americans eat junk food knowing full well how bad it is for them. We just don't care. Whatever. Whereas the Spanish can (and will) put a few cups of lard in something and then call it healthfood just because one ingredient happens to be vaguely healthy. And they love our convenience food. There are entire stores that are dedicated solely to frozen foods. And what's that around the corner? Not a McDonalds?! Just wait a few decades, they'll catch up.
Anyway, the plague has finally lifted and things are getting back to normal around here. The rain has mercifully stopped, at least untl later this week, so I'd beter go out and enjoy it.
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